Love letter to my sister, eldest daughter in an immigrant family: She used to create worlds for me, making stuffed animals come to life for me and me alone. A friend recently sent a video of her making a stuffed bunny talk to her toddler daughter - the delight in her daughter's body brought up the somatic sensation of feeling LOVED in mine. Trauma is stored in the body - and - so is love. I miss someone making a world come to life just for me.
A lot of my somatic memories of love are linked to my sister, seven years older than me. She was the one who played with me while my parents were making a survival for our family. By now have I worn this story to the ground?: They spoke poor English and wore foreign faces in America. They were the cab drivers, hotel maids, busboys - relegated to the backbone of what America considers low-value, low-paying jobs. Made meals of canned sardines, saved pennies for diapers, is this immigrant story familiar to you yet?
While they were gone, my sister was the one who: Played pretend with me, changed my diapers, forged signatures on school forms, packed my lunches, disciplined me, took me to get my first library card that sparked a life-long love affair with words, bought me toys, taught me how to swim, buffered me from my parents when they didn't understand.
As an adult, she: Gave me pocket money in college; got me my first cell phone and put me on her plan; met all my boyfriends; bought me grown-up clothes when I was looking for jobs; planned engagement, bridal, and baby showers; interviewed and coordinated nanny shares for my babies so I could return to work; took and takes care of my kids like her own - all while working her own jobs and eventually building her own family.
She, a kid herself, was charged with keeping me safe. I think she lost some of her childhood for me. I was more free to BE [weird and wonderful me] because of what she gave up.
The other night, I put my son to bed with the help of a soft stuffy and a squeaky little voice. He was absolutely delighted. How incredible to be a little kid and have someone want to make worlds for you. I hope he carries that love with him always.